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But…

November 8, 2011

But…

I don’t feel ready yet…I want more time. I want time to change before I need to change. And actually I sometimes don’t WANT to change at all, I just want to be changed already. I just want to press one of those little reset buttons…It’s gotta be here somewhere!

But darn it if life doesn’t work that way.

We were designed to change, move, always forward, onward…one day ends and a new begins, it never stops, always changing. A new sunrise at a slightly different time than the day before, the clouds of yesterday are nothing like the ones today, every thunderstorm is different, every leaf on a tree, every human eye color. Even our very own skin changes each day, shedding the old skin of yesterday, making way for new skin.

So why is it so hard for me to change when everything else about my whole world is constantly changing?

It’s easier just to think about it…to write about it than to live it.  Living it takes action on my part.  And I really actually enjoy being lazy. Its easier to live the life that other people think I should be living than to pave my own path.

And is it being lazy or actually taking advantage? I’ve been given the gift of life and assuming that I have forever to be here on this earth is just crazy! I’ve started to live like there is no big hurry to do or be anything…after all I have time right?! Maybe. Maybe not.

Its quite amazing, actually that we are given life and get to choose the direction in which our lives go. I mean, we aren’t programed robots or anything…life is the most awesome gift and we treat it like an unloved sweater from Aunt Ruthee!  We can live our own lives as happily, sucessfully, vibrantly and full of adventure as we choose. But what do most of us choose instead?! BORING sit in front of the tv, settle for the very least, do what others think I should do, poor me lives! Well, thats what I have been doing at least…just floating along, taking what comes…no goals, no direction, no inspiration, NO LIFE!!!

I have lived a life I thought others wanted me to live. Always bending because they wanted me to bend, speaking because they thought it was time for me to speak, laughing when appropriate, running when I didn’t know why, but boy I was running!

I’m starting to realize that I don’t even know me.  Who is this me that I am? Am I the me I was created to be or the me that has been formed over years and years of trying to be who I thought others wanted me to be?

I think it has been the latter…and that is really dumb! Can you imagine getting to the end of your life and realizing you had lived your whole life based on what you thought other people thought you should be!? That would be awful! No, horrific!

ENOUGH!

Change has come…its wrapping around my ankles like a vine and I am being pulled in new directions and pushed into the deep water of the unknown.

I feel my body rebelling at the pushing. Fearing the newness, my mind wants to run wild with themes of panic, fear and worry. I struggle to hold on to hope, joy, peace.

I will not give in!!

I want to learn more of story, and how to write a beautiful one with my life…the only one I have been given!

To explore whimsy and how we were created to dream and live a wild adventure!

To learn of magical living – of stretching farther than I think I can be stretched, reaching into the unknown, pushing against myself (that self that wants to stay the same) to grow and learn!

I feel something coming alive in me. I do! It’s in there.

My eyes look bluer, bigger, deeper. Something is getting ready to burst forth, to be born. Could it be the me I never knew? The true me, the real me, the authentic, strong, driven, hopeful, adventurious, full of life and peace me!? Dear God, let it be!

Here’s to change!!

“It is a sad fate for a man to die too well known to everybody else, and still unknown to himself.”   Francis Bacon

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22 Comments

  • Reply annettegarber November 8, 2011 at 11:08 pm

    Hi Claudia and Michael! I was browsing on facebook for the first time in weeks, and I came across this youtube announcement which brought me here. Yay! I’m so glad I stumbled across your brand new blog. Claudia, I forgot how well you have a way with words. What you shared was beautiful, authentic, and inspiring. I am so glad you are taking on the adventure of life and learning who you are… the REAL you. The last couple of years has also brought on deeper introspection within me, and I wish I would have taken more time to understand myself years ago! But beginning today is better than beginning tomorrow. So here’s to the “beginning!” Blessings!!!

    • Reply Claudia Good November 9, 2011 at 10:36 am

      Hi Annette!
      Yes, new beginnings!!! I love it!…I’m right there with you my friend :)
      How did we never know ourselves before?! Maybe hitting our 30s caused us to seriously reflect on our lives.
      So, I’ve also been enjoying glo-burbanlife.blogspot.com and would love to hear more about what brought you to this place! Inspiring.

      • Reply annettegarber November 10, 2011 at 3:29 pm

        Yes, I believe growing older is nothing to fear (as long as we are fortunate to have good health), because we have so much more life experience to learn from and greater time to mature. I’m glad you are enjoying glo-buranlife! I’m enjoying writing! If you read my first post on Identity Crisis I explain a little about what has prompted me to want to blog about being a glo-burban gal. I’m really looking forward to being able to talk more on Tuesday and snuggle with baby Jude. :-)

        • Reply Claudia Good November 10, 2011 at 10:52 pm

          Lots of learning, Tis true, Tis true. May we never tire of it! Always moving forward and learning more!

  • Reply Joshua Gordon November 9, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    Hmmm. I like it.

    In our journey, I half expected my new ‘nonconformist’ self to crack out of the old stale husk, fully formed and highly awesome. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) the ‘me’ that has emerged over the past year has grown, evolved, and been transformed continually.

    It’s like a metamorphosis that’s never over…

    Does that make sense at all?

    • Reply Claudia Good November 10, 2011 at 10:46 pm

      Haha…Josh your wordage is cool, and it does make sense! Seems we always think we are going to be ‘highly awesome’ in the next stage and then we realize our awesomeness has grown dull and to really achieve the awesomesest state we need to go further, higher, stronger…
      good thing this happens or our awesomeness would get boring.

  • Reply Char November 10, 2011 at 11:58 pm

    I love this Claudia. LOVE. Love. I think about change a lot. I have come to realize how HARD it is. It takes sheer grit to continue. But as I learn there is more to life (true life), I know more than ever….I canNOT go back to how I used to be. That would be death. So even as change is SO incredibly hard…I know I will continue because it is life. And I want life with everything I have.

    • Reply Kris November 11, 2011 at 8:58 am

      So true! and we have no desire to want to go back to how we were. we want to be for real! good things are never easy.

      • Reply Claudia Good November 11, 2011 at 11:38 pm

        Kris!
        Indeed. Good things are never easy, I guess if they were easy we wouldn’t appreciate them as much :)

    • Reply Claudia Good November 11, 2011 at 11:31 pm

      Char,
      I like how you said ‘it takes sheer grit to continue’ and to go back, that ‘that would be death’! Well said my friend…a resounding AMEN!
      I too want LIFE for as long as I have!!!

  • Reply Ivan Bickett November 11, 2011 at 9:13 am

    “Its easier to live the life that other people think I should be living than to pave my own path.” ~Claudia Good

    THAT is a powerful statement. I’ve had that discussion with a few people in the last week actually. I’m calling it “A Life Not Wasted”.

    Haven’t figured out how this is going to be brought to the world, but it will be. Watch out!

    ~Ivan

    • Reply Claudia Good November 11, 2011 at 11:16 pm

      Ivan,
      Yes, something i face and fight every single day!
      I like the sounds of the ‘A Life Not Wasted’ I will watch out!!!!
      May we not die with our songs still in us!

  • Reply Linda Olivieri Kahler November 11, 2011 at 11:16 am

    Hi Claudia, When Charlene posted this I decided to take a peek and I am glad I did. Blessings to you and your family on your journey of life. Linda Kahler

    • Reply Claudia Good November 11, 2011 at 11:05 pm

      Hi Linda!
      Wonderful to connect with you! Thanks for checking us out! And for the blessings :)

  • Reply Anonymous November 11, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    Claudia!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are making me cry. I cannot EXPLAIN how much I resonate with your words… maybe I don’t need to. You basically spoke word for word how I feel right now. I don’t know myself, but I’m getting to know myself. I’m tired of being the “me” that others expect me to be. Something is getting ready to burst forth. YES!

    • Reply Claudia Good November 11, 2011 at 10:59 pm

      Alana,
      I love it that the words bouncing around in my head resonate with others! I hear ya girl!!!!!!!! Loud and clear!
      Your new born you is going to be extraordinary!!!!

  • Reply John Snook November 11, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    I feel my body rebelling at the pushing. Fearing the newness, my mind wants to run wild with themes of panic, fear and worry. I struggle to hold on to hope, joy, peace. Claudia Good

    I can 100% identify with this statement. Fear has a tendency to do that. If we really think about it, more times than not our fears are truly unfounded. the worst thing that could happen rarely happens and we find ourselves stuck back in the pit of mire and mediocrity. But we have a choice. A choice to meet that fear head on. Here’s to change indeed!!

    • Reply Claudia Good November 11, 2011 at 10:40 pm

      John,
      Agreed! Fear can be so powerful if we let it take hold! It will have a heyday in our minds!
      Facing it head on, wonderfully said!
      Blessings as you journey

  • Reply Cari Troyer November 11, 2011 at 10:15 pm

    Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned. ~Mark Twain

    Man’s mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

    Do not discredit the past — or what we gain from living it. Simply think of it this way — your eyes have been opened. Welcome to the club –the club of those who dare to live diligently.

    • Reply Claudia Good November 11, 2011 at 11:46 pm

      Cari,
      Good reminder! May we all use our past to push us on to new heights, not get bogged down by it!

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