I’m reading an interesting book right now by Kevin Lehman on parenting titled Bringing Up Kids Without Tearing Them Down. Through years of counseling parents, Lehman has found that every person, by default, parents just as they were parented – unless they learn how and decide to change.
He points out that our default mode is so powerful that many parents find themselves saying and doing the exact things they said they would never say and do to their children. And they hate themselves for it.
The point here is that just deciding we want to change isn’t enough. We actually have to reprogram our minds with new information. Otherwise our default mode always trumps.
This hits hard in the heart of any parent or entrepreneur because we see first hand how our thinking affects the success of what we are trying so hard to shape, whether it be a healthy family or a healthy business.
The thing is, most of us assume our default mode is OK (as long as we don’t have any outstanding addictions or personality flaws). And therefore, we float through life never challenging our default way of viewing the world and our place in it.
But what if our default mode is actually faulty?
What if our default mode is keeping us from connecting with our friends or spouse in a meaningful way?
What if our default mode is keeping us cloaked in depression or self destructive habits?
What if our default mode makes us hold unrealistic expectations for ourselves and everyone around us?
What if our default mode keeps us spewing out anger on those we love?
What if our default mode leaves us constantly stressed and frustrated with no peace of mind?
What if our default mode keeps us from taking any chances and doing anything of real importance or purpose?
We all must realize that our default mode might very well be extremely faulty. And in fact, it might be hindering us from a full and enjoyable life.
Only through deep introspection, and exposure to new thoughts, ideas, and people, can we recognize when our default modes are faulty and work at changing them.
I never knew mine were one bit faulty until I started reading, writing, listening to podcasts, getting counseling, and expanding my social circles. I just thought everyone else was faulty.
My challenge to all of us is to make sure we are constantly checking our default settings by lining them up against new and healthy knowledge. See if your settings are keeping you on target for who you want to be as a parent and an entrepreneur, or if they are leading you down the wrong path.
Photo Credit: hufse via Compfight cc
Claudia,
I love this! When I had my kids, I was determined to be a different kind of mother than my own was to me. Although my mother loved us dearly, she didn’t encourage or give us much positive feedback as we grew up. She and I didn’t always see eye to eye. I was much closer to my dad as a result. I think I can say that I didn’t just want to change, but I did! If you asked my kids, they would tell you that I’m their biggest fan but that I wasn’t a pushover. I lead them to explore their passions and seek out their dreams. I told them to never settle for less than they knew they could do. I showed them the love I had for them everyday. Both my daughter and my son today are college grads, married to their best friends, working and pursuing their dreams. What more could a mother want!
Oh Donna – that’s awesome – and in answer to the last question of what more could a mom want – absolutely nothing! It’s what we all want.
Thanks Ann. You are so right too. As hard as we try, we all make mistakes. The difference is when we learn from our mistakes and keep moving in the better direction. Thanks for your insight. You are a blessing!
Donna,
Thanks for sharing this! And yes, I think every single mother out there wants to see their kids happy and doing things they enjoy. What a blessing!
So, you must have headed down quite a different path in your mothering approach – what books did you read etc? I would love to hear!
I don’t think there’s a mom or dad alive who can’t benefit from what you shared. None of us is “fault-free” because not one of us was raised by a “perfect parent.” They did the best they could with what they knew just as we do – and as we open our minds and hearts to learn a different way we can do better!
True true indeed Ann! I love how you said to do the best we can with what we have AND “as we open our minds and hearts to learn a different way we can do better!”
Love this Ann and always appreciate your insight on parenting 😉
I would love to know how many parents even think about this. It’s mostly parenting my “might to be right” rather than checking internally to see what the heck is going on. I’ve have some times where I defaulted, my wife as well and we both have permissions to keep each other in check. Seems the very things we hated to hear as children, come out of our mouths as parents. The best advice I have is to simply PAUSE. Wait 10 seconds before that DEFAULT response comes out and ask yourself “Is this going to HELP or HURT?” Most of the times the things we say just are not helpful in any form or fashion, yet it makes us feel temporarily better for some reason, but many times to regret later.