“Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day. Wisdom consists in not exceeding that limit.” – Elbert Hubbard
I totally freaked out this morning. Yup, kind of lost it. Actually, yesterday morning went very similar. Tears, frustration, discouragement. You know the moments.
Your in your pjs, wiping sleep from your eyes, stuffy nose, sore throat, screaming baby, messy house, and a to do list that is impossibly long for the allotted time frame to get it all done.
It was not going well.
And if you are giving me your nod of apathy and a cluck, cluck of “Oh, I’m sorry, that sounds rough.” I will say, “Thanks, I appreciate it.” I realize that is all I really want, someone to feel sorry for me. Someone to say, “Yeah, you do have it hard right now. I don’t know how you do it!”
It feeds some need in me. Makes me feel, I don’t know, like a martyr or hero or something.
It justifies that I can freak out without feeling guilty or like a failure. Because for some reason I hold myself to a higher standard than I do others and expect myself to always have it all together. To have it all figured out and never fail.
I have gotten into a rut of thinking that I am the only one who has these freak out moments. And that I’m a bit cuckoo, really.
I’ve been approaching life and all its ups and downs from a perfectionistic standpoint. Either I mess up and it is all ruined, or I can’t mess up at all.
You probably don’t struggle with this, but my mind tells me that when “I fall off the horse,” it is all ruined. I failed.
I end up sounding like Eeyore. “It’s all ruined, I may as well give up.”
What I am forgetting is that I can just “get back on the horse” and pick up right where I left off.
The reality is we all have those moments. Those days, those times. The important thing is that we get up again. We wash the tears from our eyes and set our faces towards the sunlight and press onward. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet here, I only have today.
I realized today everyone fails from Benjamin Franklin to my mom. I am included in that group. The people that do life well are those who realize they will fail. They embrace that fact, but are careful to never fail at the same thing twice. After a failure, they get up and keep living life.
Question: What helps you get back on your horse?
Claudia I can’t think of anyone who can’t relate to that! And as a mom who had 3 small children under the age of 6 at once – I REALLY remember quite a few of those days! I think many women hold themselves to an unrealistic, perfectionistic standard – I know I do. For years I felt I not only should have it all together and be able to handle it all calmly and perfectly – but I should never be in a bad mood, upset, frustrated or flip out. Well, that never happened! As a coach, when a client slips and eats something they shouldn’t and they “confess” it to me – I always say – there’s no condemnation (Ro. 8:1) – just start fresh now! I have (FINALLY) learned to take my own advice!
Claudia, Ann has hit a very strong point here! I believe women do indeed feel a higher expectation to have it all together. There is this mixed role in society now, where many mothers work fulltime jobs and think it’s their sole duty to cleanup, cook, wear a smile, dress to the 9’s, etc – and be escatically, HAPPY about it! My wife is so different from that – she is bluntly honest when she is around ladies that constantly act as if they have no problems, that they love taking care of their babies, children 24/7, that they’d just have lots more kids if they could, etc. She calls them on it…Yes, it’s OK to want and love babies – just don’t pretend like you enjoy getting up at 2am for 3 weeks straight with a colicy baby!
All this is proven fact, you know. That women have a higher incident of pain issues / migraines / fibromyalgia, etc. due to this emotional struggle. (www.unlearnyourpain.com is where we recently learn about this and are seeking councel on it. ) We were in a counceling session yesterday and the guy just emphasized to my wife and I how critical it is to “let it out” and honor those feelings we have, whether it’s anger, frustration, shame, etc.
I admire your candid post here.
Michael,
Interesting!! Yes, that is why I had to continue to pursue things that I am passionate about especially after having a baby. So important to continue to grow the person you are created to be… as well as be a mom!
Thanks for sharing as you did here. I can relate to your wife. I had many years of chronic pain after having mono. For me it turned into a lot of anxiety and worry which then manifested itself into physical pain. I was obsessed with thinking something was majorly wrong with me and I was going to be sick the rest of my life. It took a doctor telling me that it was a problem in my head, not my body before I really got my anxiety under control.
May you and your wife find peace and solutions to her pain! blessings on you both!
thanks for sharing about your pain experiences, Claudia! I am reading so much lately about the subconcious brain “protecting” us from our deeply held emotions and manifesting it as physical pain instead. Was the years of pain in your teenage years or most recently?
Michael,
I got mono right after we got married almost 8 years ago. I was “sick” of and on for about the first 4 years or so. Unexplainable things. Lots of pain, digestive issues and depression.
About 4 years ago we made a drastic diet change. That started the ball rolling in the right direction… my body felt a lot better and I was then able to pursue help in other ways.
I would say I hit a constant state of recovery maybe a year before getting pregnant with Jude… it has helped spur on the journey we are on now! 🙂
Thank you for the add’l info, Claudia. That is so interesting. Funny how life’s down times can bring you around for much better adventures.
I always try and probe a litte, gain more info about people’s lives that have struggled with pain issues. We’ve made some diet changes as well (gluten, soy, milk, egg free) for my wife in the last year I’d say, but not much affect, so we are thankful to be investigating the last things which we think could be affecting her which is a specific counceling therapy told to us by an fellow FAA’er. It has made the most sense for all the unexplainable pain areas that jump around her body without cause. We start a group therapy session on Monday, April 30th. Wish us luck!
Counseling made my knees stop hurting…
I pray she will find peace and healing through it!
Ann,
Glad to hear I’m not the only one. 🙂
Wow, I love the lesson that you shared about learning to take your own advice… Just start fresh now!
What a great quote! LOL!
i agree 🙂
Claudia…Every day is a new opportunity to start fresh. Sometimes its hour by hour. When we have a perfectionist nature we tend to see things in black and white; it is or it isn’t. But I’ve discovered that it is in the teachable moments of not getting it right and trying again our greatest victories are often seen.
Cindy,
Isn’t that the truth! Every day is a new day!!
I’m learning to live with this mindset and what freedom is found there! 🙂
I like how you said it is in the moments of not getting it right that our greatest victories are often seen! That is a wonderful thought.
Excellent and honest and truthful! As Ann said, I think everyone can relate to that! I certainly have had my freak out and lose it moments. What helps me is forgiveness toward myself and forgiveness from others. I try to apologize quickly for my moments (usually to my children or husband) and explain how my level of fatigue or sense of being overwhelmed contributed to my losing it on them. When they show me understanding, I feel free to get back on the horse and keep riding. And then I’m better suited to show forgiveness toward my family members when they lose it on me. I also find that stepping away (when possible) for a few moments (“okay, kids. Mommy needs a few minutes to myself.” Close the door to my bedroom) and quieting my soul before God helps me to regain a certain sense of peace and perspective. Get back on that horse, girl friend! And maybe allow your horse to go at a trot, rather than a gallop, pace today. 😉
Hahaa I love how you ended this comment Annette 🙂 Good advice.
Thanks for sharing as you did here. I love to hear of other people’s experiences. That is so true how you said when they show understanding you feel free to get back up and then you are more free to show that understanding to them.
I like how you also take time away when needed! Smart mommy there 😉 step away… gain perspective and peace.
Thank you friend!
Wow, this is so funny because my wife will tell you I had a morning moment this week… We’re coming off of Spring break with the kids, and most of the week last week were up really late doing cool things, and sleeping in like crazy… I’m not a late sleeper so this starts to bother me after a little bit…
Well, this week I’ve been having trouble knocking out early, so I would be up till 1am or 2am, and I would not get up until 6:30 or 7, and at that point its time to get all the kids ready, so I missed my morning walk and gratitude walk that I do before the world wakes up, all my morning inspiration is saved for later, my early assessments, goal checks, admin stuff, and early reading gets thrown out the door… So that was it, I had it!
I woke up, and my wife could tell I was upset, and I was stubbing my toe in the dark, grumbling about how the entire day was going to be terrible. My wife was quick to remind me that my “thinking” is going to ruin the day, and I need to get back on track. Here I am half asleep, and my response to her was, “I know, that’s the sad part”…
Well, with a little bit of badgering and reminding from her I was back on my horse, and filling my mind with positive stuff!
None of us can live perfectly all the time… It’s all about how quickly we adjust and get back on that horse that makes us who we are…
Great post!
Rob,
This is hilarious to read… I’m sure it wasn’t in the moment… especially stubbing your toe in the dark!…but yes indeed we have all been there. Thinking back it’s always funny who we turn into at those times… a grumbling, complaining, stumbling mess! 🙂
Crazy how getting off a normal, healthy schedule will do that. I think we thrive on consistency.
Thinking back to when I was a kid we used to call it the scrambled egg feeling. It usually came on Sunday nights before the week was about to begin again or after getting home from a week of vacation. I can think back and feel the same feelings right now and how we acted as kids… ugh.
Thanks for sharing here Rob! I love your stories 🙂
Scrambled Egg feeling… I love that! And yes, I remember Sunday night being sometimes the night of tension, when we knew Monday was coming…
Hey, Claude, I needed to hear this tonight awash in stacks of dry and wet laundry, a to-do list that isn’t getting done, and the old all-or-nothing trap that is so, so, debilitating. Worry and inadequacy just suck me dry and I ditch the rest and energy that God gives for cycles of rehashing and analyzing what I did/will/might do wrong. I love your illustration–jumping back on an ornery horse was always an imperative, a determined ‘you won’t get the better of me’ challenge. Maybe I can be compelled to do these dishes/clothes/overwhelming things with a different gusto. Take that, stacks!
Eileen!!
hahaha I hear you dear friend 🙂
Your description here is beautiful! Trying to balance the – things that just need to be done – and the reality that life is speeding by without having sat down to enjoy it!
I love this sentence… “Worry and inadequacy just suck me dry and I ditch the rest and energy that God gives for cycles of rehashing and analyzing what I did/will/might do wrong.” Thanks for sharing your heart here. I can totally relate… that’s why I am reading the book “How To Stop Worrying and Start Living” 😉
Worry… You won’t get the best of me!!!
Just read your other comments and can’t believe you dreaded Sunday nights, too! I love your description–‘scrambled eggs,’ indeed!
ugh… what a mixed up feeling that used to be! I think for so many years it was because my life had no real direction… so I didn’t look forward to my tomorrows.
Now I do 🙂
uhg, you hit the nail right on the head, Cluadia!
This i have thought so much about recently, especially since knowing Andrew. He has this way of thinking that he knows he takes great risks, so he knows he will fail sometimes, but that he will learn from them and pick up and move on and become even better because of what he learned through messing up. He already factors in the possibility of failing before he even does something, then if the “unthinkable” happens, he already knows how to get up and move on. It has challenged my little mind set sooo much! It’s so hard for me to fail – because my mind tells me if i mess up, i’m embaressing myself, it’s useless, it’s all RUINED, it’s better to just not try! So i am slowly retraining my way of thinking. In these moments I always remind myself of how Thomas Edison failed 1,000 times before nailing the light bulb! And how Henry Ford went bankrupt 5 times before succefully starting the (now) 5th largest automobile company in the world.
ah, to retrain my way of thinking!
Crystal,
Andrew is one smart dude 🙂 honestly … what a gift to be taught/given – the awareness to approach lifes challenges knowing that we will fail at times, but it is the learning from it that is important!! It totally avoided failure at all cost in the past. If I did fail, I would get so discouraged… I let things take me out. And they did. I became so afraid to not be perfect that for years I checked out of life.
That didn’t work out to well… to say that least 🙂
So, I’m back! Better than ever and with the realization that I will fail. Andrew has good advice when he talks about factoring in the possibility of failing from the start. That has helped take the fear/worry away for me when I ask myself “what’s the worst that could happen?” and then act from there. If I have already faced the worst in my head it frees me from fear and I am able to move ahead.
What a great way to encourage yourself btw… thinking about Edison and Ford!
Funny thing is that I already thought of you as a risk taker 😉 I think you are farther along than you think you are in this area 😉
I’ve been thinking about the last part you said over the past few days, and i’ve come to a conclusion haha. i think i do love taking risks, but i think what i shy away from is trying things that require talent that i may not have devoloped and therefore know before i even start, it’s not going to turn out like i hope – that i am going to try to make it like i imagine.. but fail. (wrong way to look at it, i know) so, recently i played around with oil paints because this was “one of those things”. taking ballet, singing and playing music are also on that list of things i would love to do, but know i dont have the talent devoleped, therefore… i don’t do it. ahh! but i did play around with oil paints so that’s a step in the right direction 🙂
consistent little steps in the right direction make a big difference!
Awesome, Crystal! Love that you’re stepping out and trying new things.