A Story About a Jump and a Delusional Ballerina

It was a typical day in high school when I took up the notion to change my life.

I can remember stopping in the hallway as a tall, gangly, and very shy freshman and saying to myself, “No one knows me here. I can become anyone I want to.” I decided then and there I no longer wanted to be known as timid and shy. I wanted to be bold. I wanted to make a difference in the world. I wanted to have a strong voice; I wanted to do things of significance, weighty things, things that mattered.

(Ok, so maybe I didn’t know I wanted to do all of those things in that moment but I did know I was tired of being the person everyone else expected me to be. I was tired of being fearful and spineless and unnoticed. I was tired of feeling unimportant.)

Months passed and I never knew the brevity of that decision until the day I had decided to try out for the school musical “You Can’t Take It With You.” It would be my 4th and final attempt (the previous 3 having been complete failures) at a chance to shine on stage.

Throwing all caution to the wind

This time I had decided to do something different. I planned to throw all caution to the wind and go all in no matter what. I figured it was better to go out in a blaze of glory rather than continue my tradition of semi-bravely trying, but never quite making the cut.

As my tryout time drew near, I was given a script and quickly read over my lines. I remember a feeling of dread slowly climbing deep within my chest like a lumbering giant which wrapped its burly arms around my lungs so tight I could barely breathe. I swallowed rapidly through my parched throat. The part I had been given was that of a skittish and giddy ballerina named Essie. Essie was quite obviously delusional. She was obsessed with ballet, wearing a tutu constantly, but was completely unaware of her dreadful lack of talent.

Panic overtook me as I realized I was expected to dance or thrash about across the entirety of the stage while spouting lines as I went!

This posed a major problem for me. You see, though I had decided I wanted to change, at this point I was still shy. And shy people don’t just throw themselves across a stage in front of strangers, let alone peers! They hide in the back of the room and try to blend in.

I realized I had two choices:

I could either hurl myself across the stage in wild abandon, putting on a shocking display of my newly uninhibited passion. Or, I could meekly tiptoe about, spinning in a half-hearted style, murmuring lines as I went.

As I pondered my course of action, I knew which one I had to choose. I wanted to become a different person and the only choice that would allow me this chance was to dance across the stage with wild abandon.

Time became sluggish. An elephantine amount seemed to elapse as I stood there alone, facing the open stage. My heart throbbed noisily in my chest.

I reminded myself of the pact I had made with myself in the hallway, “I can become anyone I want to.” I edged my foot forward and then with a swiftness that shoved all hesitancy aside, I did what I had never done before. I threw myself across the stage in true and wild abandon!

I felt like I was leaping off a cliff. I didn’t know how a lousy ballerina who thinks she is awesome danced, but I twirled and leapt through the air as only a delusional ballerina could. I felt my long legs splitting the silence in the auditorium, my hair spraying about like a cascade of water around my face. For a moment in time, I lost all cares. I was free! I was unencumbered by fear or worry of what others might think. It was fascinatingly and wildly wonderful!

The moment passed in a flash but the glimmer of freedom which I felt is still palpable today. The day I danced across that stage is the day I came alive. It changed my life forever. Not because I wanted to be an actress, no, it was deeper. I was finally able to glimpse who I was capable of becoming.

When my time in the spotlight came to a close, I stood gasping for air. I broke out in a cold sweat trying to comprehend what I had done. I had moved mountains that day, and the air I was breathing felt new and rich and it teemed with life!

I had learned one very important lesson:

I needed to pick myself before anyone could pick me. That was the day I decided to step into view.

I chose to throw myself across the stage knowing this was an action I needed to take to become the person I wanted to be. “Here I am, this is my very best. I am holding nothing back! What do you think?”

A few days later, I saw my name printed in vivid black letters on a paper taped to the window in the music room. My awkward gallop across the stage had indeed hooked me the part of Essie the ballerina. I have never been the same since.

We all get a chance

We all get the chance to dance, but few choose to expose themselves to the winds of change and risk. We fear looking foolish or making a mistake.

“Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure… than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.” ~Theodore Roosevelt.

Since that day, I continually dare myself to leap, and twirl, and throw myself into the scary places. To step up, to choose to matter.

Do I do it all the time? Nope. But that’s OK. Each time I leap my legs get stronger. The interesting part is I have not found the leap to be any less scary. Thrilling, yes, but no less scary. The part that has become easier is recognizing when I need to leap, leaping quicker, and trusting the outcome will always provide opportunity for growth no matter what happens.

I still break out into a cold sweat when doing scary things, even while writing this. Or posting over here.

These things are scary, but we have to do them.  The true value lies in who we become when we do them.

Something beautiful happens when we choose to jump, choose to matter. All of heaven seems to come to our aid. Life is sweeter, fuller, and opportunities abound.

Tell me, have you jumped recently? How did it help you to grow?