Illusion

Living, that’s what we are all doing. That’s what I am doing.
So…what qualifies as living?
Is living feeling burdened, heavy laden, tired, overwhelmed, just getting by? Is this living?
Is living supposed to be a daily struggle?
It has been for me for way too many years. Deeply depressed I couldn’t see my way out.

I was tired, had fought too many battles, and had seemingly lost them all. I lost everything that I held dear and close to my heart. I lost my health and my friends. My knees ached constantly.
And then, I lost myself.
I stopped living life.
I became just an existence. Just a shell of me.

So, again I ask. What qualifies as living?

I stayed in the ‘pit of despair’ because I actually didn’t want to change! I liked being depressed in a twisted sort of way. It gave me an excuse to wallow in my hurt. And the hurt was safe for me.

Does this sound familiar? Don’t we all do this? We whine and complain about life instead of taking action, making changes. We actually prefer to complain, stay where we are and blame others because it is easier than changing. And again, it feels safe.

So does living coencide with safe? What is safe?
There is no ‘safe’ here on earth! We make it up in our heads…
We scurry around putting on all sorts of padding, approved plastic and doctor recommended whatever on our bodies. We filter air through our houses, have pillows that pop out in our cars, have all sorts of alarms. We feel safe, buy it is only an illusion! A false sense of security. If God chooses to take us, we die. We die.

So then what is safe and what is living? Is there ‘safe’ living? It seems an oxymoron. I think we only have living left to choose from.

So what is living?

It is clawing my way out of the darkness and embracing the light.
It is holding my baby boy’s naked body and being the very first set of eyes he looks into.
It is seeing the wide eyes of my love as I walk down the aisle toward him, and embarking on an unknown journey together.
It is realizing I am more amazingly created than I ever thought I was!

This house cannot keep me safe! A word cannot define me! And darkness cannot hold me any longer! There is a life to live!

The life I was living has lead into the life I am now living. The pain had a purpose. The hurt and loss has made me stronger, wiser.
I stand taller now, I smile bigger, I feel stronger, I cry easier, I laugh longer, I love deeper and my knees don’t hurt anymore.