Wholehearted Human

My most recent IDC Project was not done on purpose, but out of necessity. I had to have a  small surgery done and, with this, face a host of my biggest fears. Fears of doctors and needles and germs and pain and hospitals and infections and sickness and… bla, bla, bla! Yes, on and on they go, if I let my mind go down that never ending road.

So there I was, at the hospital, sitting in the bed sporting one of those awful back open gowns, the footie socks on and a weird silver cap, being wheeled away from my loving husband and precious baby boy. It was a moment of sheer terror for me. Would I ever come back?

I sat for about 15 minutes in a hallway waiting to go into surgery. Watching my IV drip, drip, drip whatever it is into my blood. Feeling the liquid cold under my skin. Sitting there in that hospital bed (which makes you feel sick even if your not), I was in a fight with my own mind. I tried not to panic, but the fear of the unknown and possible pain kept nagging at me. I was sweaty and cold to my bones all at the same time. There was a hose that looked like a vacuum cleaner hooked into my gown blowing in warm air.

They took me into the surgery room. It was cold, freezing cold. The nurses said it was to keep the dust down. Dust? I immediately had a mental picture of bones being sawed through, and that didn’t help my anxiety to say the least. They said they usually attend bone surgeries so mine was going to be something different. I thought I was going to faint. I held and squeezed the nurse’s hand like a 5 year old and was completely unashamed to do so. She talked to me with her soothing voice and was kind, but I knew she could only hold my hand, not take the pain away. I looked over at the table of shiny sharp instruments and swallowed hard.

Then the numbing took its effect and suddenly I was paralyzed from the waist down. They rolled me around. I was helpless like a ragdoll, completely out of control of my lower half! “I need music,” the doctor said, “What do you like?” he asked. “Country,” I replied. They turned on 80’s rock.

Clink, clink, snip, stitch, needles, lights, drip, drip, drip of my IV, roll my limp body around, and it ended just like that.

Over. Done. “Thanks everyone,” the doctor said, and left. They wheeled me out. The nurses fussed over me and talked kindly saying what a great job I did. I felt like I was there but not really. I nodded, and smiled and blinked a lot, then realized it was over. I faced my fear. I survived.

I was wheeled back to my room and greeted with a huge smile by baby Jude and Michael! Wow, I emerged from that experience immensely thankful for health, for human touch and kindness, for my husband and baby, and for returned feeling in my legs! I faced my fear and, by the grace of God, made it through just fine!

I hope to never have to do another IDC like this one again!

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Read more about the IDC Project
View our completed “uncomfortable situations”
If you have suggestions for “uncomfortable situations,” leave them in the comments.

I’ve found it very interesting how my thoughts and feelings have changed over the course of the past few weeks while I wrap up my final days at my job.

I found myself caring less about what others think and actually saying what I’m really thinking. For example, if my boss or a colleague asks what I think about something, I actually say what I think.

I know it sounds ridiculous that I wouldn’t do that already, but so many times I find my response to be influenced by what I think the other person wants me to say. I somehow make the connection with being different and unique to not being liked. I want people to like me. We all do to some degree.

But you know what? I’ve found that when I actually say what I’m really thinking and take a stand for my thoughts, beliefs, and convictions, that people actually like me more.

It makes sense. We attract more people when we give them more to identify with. There’s really nothing to like if we don’t stand for anything. We will simply be this bland no-flavor version of a person. Next time you’re in the dairy section at the grocery store, look at how there are so many more flavored yogurts than plain.

Of course there is a flip side to this as well. When we give people more to identify with, it also gives people more to NOT identify with as well. But that’s OK because we cannot please everyone. We just need to remind ourselves of all our new supporters.

So no, telling my boss what I REALLY think is not a passion filled account of raised voices and slamming doors. It is, however, me confidently taking a stand and voicing my thoughts, beliefs, and convictions.  I’ve done this on many occasions and am now integrating it into the rest of my life.

It’s a much better way to go about things, wouldn’t you say?

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Read more about the IDC Project
View our completed “uncomfortable situations”
If you have suggestions for “uncomfortable situations,” leave them in the comments.