The Rules of Coloring, or Why Perfect is a Perfect Place to Hide But a Terrifying Place to Live

A few days ago my son and I were drawing and coloring an imaginary town on a neatly flattened cardboard box.

The town had a scenic road which curled past houses, lots of trees, and even a stately brick church with a gold bell hanging from it’s steeple.

It was perfect (and I was perfect for having drawn it with him).

I was really proud of my (I mean our) town. And as I finished drawing some trees, I asked my son to start coloring them for me. “Sure mom,” he said as he grabbed a nearby purple crayon with his still chubby 3 year old fingers and proceeded to scribble (I mean color) all over the tree I had just finished drawing.

I felt my insides coil as I watched what was taking place before my eyes.

My perfectly drawn trees were beginning to drip in deep purple at a fiercely alarming rate. AND there was no respect whatsoever for the black lines I had drawn to indicate the shape of the tree!

There were clearly lines. BIG. BLACK. LINES. Lines to advise one where to stay. And where to never stray out of.

I found myself scrambling for a green crayon (tree green to be exact) and meticulously coloring one of my finely etched trees just to smooth down my ruffled ideal of what a perfect tree looked like.

As my green crayon glided over the cardboard I was careful to stay just inside the black lines. It brought me enormous comfort.

And then an unexpected surge of gloom filled my mind. The edges of my eyes crinkled in thought as I rummaged through my thoughts.

I looked at my son who continued to color his trees so freely and with such abandon. He didn’t even know about (or care about) the coloring “rules.”

The “rules” which clearly state that coloring inside the lines is the best choice and coloring things the correct color makes them perfect. I suddenly loved (even more) the unbridled way in which children live! No second guessing, no doubting whether they do a perfect job or not.

No perfect at all.

Perfect doesn’t exist in their world because there is no need for it. No perception of it.

No perfect, just life as it is.

My son was naturally coloring the trees purple and outside the lines because, well, why not?! Who said he couldn’t?

As I watched him I realized I was bothered by this whole coloring topic. Because the same coloring “rules” I had applied to the trees in our make-believe town, I also attempt to administer to most everything I do in life.

There is this section of my/our brain which says, “Perfect or nothing.” “Stay inside the black lines.” “Be perfect or be a failure.”

The problem is, if we follow the “be perfect or be a failure” rule, we won’t live a courageous life. Because if we get burned once (which happens to everyone) we won’t ever want to try again.

The risk is too high, the fear too crippling, the shame too intense.

You see for young children, perfect is non-existent. But for adults, perfect has been advertised, and publicized, and embraced, and even touted as being our end goal.

When you get there, you receive a super hero cape (in the color red of course)!

Here’s the problem, however: perfect is a set-up. A hoax. A hamster wheel.

The desire to be perfect comes because we feel ashamed of who we are and the stuff we carry. We feel helpless to change and alone in our struggles.

Whether we want to admit it or not, perfect people don’t exist. It is non-human. And the quest for perfection leaves us rigid, un-genuine, guarded, inflexible, panicky, sheepish, anxious, and non-resilient (for starters).

It’s exhausting.

Perfect is a perfect place to hide. But it’s a terrifying place to live!

Vulnerability, gratitude, generosity, courage, forgiveness, authenticity and a deep down belief in our own worth, and that we have something valuable to offer to the world are the antidote.

I don’t know what letting go of perfection looks like for you, but for me it looks like loving and enjoying how I was created.

It looks like holding parenting and relationships less tight fisted and more open handedly. After all, they are not a test with a grade at the end, but a journey in which I grow and learn and change as needed.

It looks like being vulnerable and asking for help from friends when I need it (not just when I am feeling great, but also when I feel lousy).

It looks like continuing to try new, brave, and generous things, knowing that some things won’t work (in fact they may flop) but I will learn and grow in the process.

Letting go of perfection looks like resilience!

The type of people we treasure the most in life are not the perfectionists, but the resilients (if I may make up a word here)! We treasure the conqueror, the courageous one who bounced back, who fought for something. The one who learned lessons from failures and can tell us their stories.

The one who has vast oceans of wisdom, and empathy, and encouragement, and courage in their eyes.

The one who has been where we have been, who has chosen to lay perfect aside, color their trees purple and look up and laugh at the pure delight of it all!

p.s. Many of the ideas for this post came from two wildly generous and brave people, Brene’ Brown and Seth Godin. If you have any interest in doing brave things check out these books Daring Greatly by Brene’ Brown and Icarus Deception by Seth Godin or What to do When it’s Your Turn (And it’s Always Your Turn) which is Seth’s new book which you can preorder here. I already pre-ordered 3!